Blog

  • Where is my Istanbul

    Where is my Istanbul

    In the resisting wall embroideries of Hagia Sophia,
    or in its mysterious tombs

    In the memory of years,
    in the mystic scent of a cup of coffee
    sipped at the Markiz

    In the specks of dust that
    arrive on the Seven Hills
    with the burden of the past
    and make love to the sunset

    In the lace worked Gothic mosques,
    in the domes of Orthodox churches

    In the rainbow colored skirt folds
    of the Galata whirling dervishes,
    embracing the Golden Horn

    In a wish made by the light
    of a candle lit at St. Anthony’s

    In the aged wine scent beneath the Historic Peninsula Wall,
    where for centuries every newcomer
    has been made to say “cheers”

    In the Judas tree colored acoustic melodies
    of Hagia Irene and the Süleymaniye

    In the Gülhane garden
    where Theodora and Hürrem swept by

    In the mastika liqueur that
    left the guild and spread across the whole peninsula,
    too restless to stand still, belly dancing away

    In the brass door knockers asking,
    “Are you from inside the Historic Peninsula Walls, or from outside?”

    Sometimes in the manner of a lead singer
    in the light of a nightclub,
    its eyelashes heavy

    In the fallen pole of a trolleybus
    on the Şişhane hill
    on a rainy day

    In the blazing fire of the Patrona Halil Hamam,
    still smelling of rebellion

    In the smile of the concubine at Seraglio Point,
    watching the islands through
    the cries of the Harem

    In the wooden mansion of Edirnekapı,
    pine shaded and fragrant with honeysuckle,
    where Aunt Eleni lives with her cats

    In the manuscripts cooling
    in the shade of the Old Booksellers’ plane tree,
    noting down the past and memories

    At Galataport, which has taken over the watch,
    and at its neighbour across the water,
    the Spice Bazaar, with its Turkish delight treat.

    In the tea of serenity,
    mingled into the garden of the Green House,
    which Gülersoy touched
    and made worth sharing

    In Sulukule and the Peninsula’s walls moats,
    where Yeşilçam, the old Turkish film industry,
    once ran wild

    In the treasure the Grand Bazaar at Beyazıt
    keeps hidden under its pillow

    In the bread of the Albanian meatball shop in Balat,
    gazing over the bay

    In the pigeon nests of the Historic Peninsula Walls’ gates,
    Silivrikapı, Edirnekapı, Mevlanakapı,
    lined up by the sunrise

    In the fire tower of the Darülfünun,
    at which the Galata Tower winks

    In the Alemdar quarter,
    where a Roman coppersmith’s synagogue
    and the sash of the Virgin Mary
    blend into the call to prayer

    In the graveyard silence
    under the great plane trees of Eyüp Sultan

    In the summit of the Column of Constantine,
    whose majesty seems drawn from Apollo,
    as from a sacred relic

    In the eternal hideaway that
    Tevfik Fikret painted behind the mists at Aşiyan

    In Safiye Ayla’s ghazal,
    stretching from Fener to Dolapdere

    In the cobblestones,
    awaiting the delicate sound
    of heels along the narrow streets

    In the purple-marble sarcophagi,
    withdrawn into the garden of the Archaeology Museum

    In the dungeons of the Fortress of the Seven Towers,
    of a lover screaming into the darkness

    In the rustle of the porters’ baskets
    carrying drunks at dawn,
    or the market load

    In the boza cry through the streets
    of a tenor hidden in the dead of night

    In the sip by sip clear water purity
    that the water carriers brought by donkey

    In the whirling Semah turns
    that read a person through the rare streets,
    a gift of the cosmos

    In a sip of Vefa boza,
    seated at the heart of history
    on a winter day

    In the geranium scent blooming in every color
    on the wicker latticed bay windows

    In the tray of clotted cream yogurt carried
    on shoulders all day,
    street by street

    In Pierre Loti, who still waits
    in Eyüp for the love of Aziyade

    In the minaret of the Fatih Mosque,
    at peace with the Church of the Holy Apostles

    In Medusa’s gaze among
    the tearful columns of the Basilica Cistern,
    sunk into the earth

    In the crystal water flowing
    from the holy springs,
    or in Helvacı Baba’s votive sweets

    In the scent of purple acacia,
    blown in from the distant Princes’ Islands
    and left hanging on the soul

    In the Flower Passage,
    right in the middle of Independence Avenue,
    drunk on the accordion’s melody

    In Damcıoğlu’s “hazelnut worm” cantos,
    spreading from Direklerarası to Saraçhane

    In the bridal-veil vines that
    cover everything like silver wire
    from the top of Telli Baba Hill

    In the dawn cry of the seagulls
    that have glided through the air for generations

    In the thrashing of a horse mackerel
    in a little fishing boat,
    whispering,
    “Don’t worry, I’m still here”

    In the Tepebaşı streets of Pera,
    mingled into a porcelain teapot

    In the farewell longing of Sirkeci Station,
    with a glass of wine

    In the flag race of
    thousand year old footprints,
    still walking, still carrying history,
    even when concrete is raised over them

    In the signature of a book in every tongue,
    inked onto the Sublime Porte slope

    In the waves of the Golden Horn at sunset,
    which fit no painting and no photograph

    In the breath-race of Zürefa Hill,
    stirred by the Karaköy quay wind

    In the Dolmabahçe symphony of trees
    swaying, saying,
    “It was granted to me too to sway on your shores”

    In the gardens and pavements,
    where every flower suits it,
    where a different fragrance comes

    At the center of the world,
    marked by Sinan
    with the green marble of Şehzadebaşı

    In the chocolate taste of a profiterole eaten
    on a winter evening
    after the Emek Cinema or the Şan Theatre

    In the mosaic conversation
    that Saint Savior of Chora,
    patiently awaiting Judgment Day,
    left in trust to Kariye

    In the Golden Horn taverns
    that still hum with oud and saz

    In that unique din composed together
    by bells and hymns

    In the Palace of the Porphyrogenitus,
    which adorned the peninsula in blue with its tile kilns

    In the lavender-scented trousseaus of Mahmutpaşa Hill,
    stretching down to Sirkeci

    In the bright white marbles
    of the Grand Post Office,
    cool to sit by in the summer heat

    In the deep therapy of Saint Therapon,
    witness of history on the Gülhane wall,
    calling to people

    In your patience,
    which washes itself in history
    when everyone withdraws,
    and readies itself for the morning

    In the patterns plastered
    with thousands of glances and words,
    clear only to those who love

    You are there, I know
    You are there, I know
    I left you what only I know,
    and what only you know:
    my whisper,
    my dust,
    my gaze,
    my touch,
    my prayers that have no language
    Thank you for accepting, Istanbul.

    written by Aşur Horoz

  • Without your knowing

    Without your knowing

    I bought your pain
    long before you did,
    my tears carved a path from my heart,
    dry like sea salt.

    Like a dove striving for a single grain of wheat, I wove you into my being.

    Without your knowing

    How could I pour out every piece of me, already yours,
    while words and my mind were at zero

    Without your knowing

    Between a touch and a glance, with the fear of claiming you, an innocent kiss trembles on my lips,

    lying lazily in life mixed with a naive longing, stretched out upon the clouds of my mind that smell of you.

    Without your knowing

    Was it really this hard to reach just a touch, in the slight breeze of my little finger

    Look, I painted you on the walls again,
    I poured my words into verses; novels, stories, and poems knelt before you in every language.

    Without your knowing

    You always saw me,
    I always looked at you,
    You only heard my voice,
    I always listened to you,
    My hands, my heart, always left outside in the winter frost of your absence.

    My head spun from you, I was tossed into the wild green, against those lonely walls where no one passes, and I woke up to you once again with the winter sun of dawn.

    Without your knowing

    Whatever exists, I found you in everything that is and isn’t; I added their scents, colors, and sounds one by one.

    Without your knowing

    To flow heedlessly from the world right into your gaze and your skin, to feel you in me and me in you, becoming one simply in feeling, without naming it.

    Without your knowing

    As if we had met from the bottomless past of a dark star, galloping into its unknown, the only thing I knew was you.

    I searched for your gaze in streets that defy description, I caught your breath in the footprints I saw, and I kissed them, kissed them over and over.

    Without your knowing

    I forgot my lonely cheek in the warmth of your palms, my soul’s willing fall into your sweet darkness, I wanted to erase whatever makes you sad.

    Without your knowing

    Like a elfish child, I rang every doorbell of unlocked doors, 

    I asked the pessimist, suffering, homeless ones for the definition of love.

    My emotions were utterly lost at wrong addresses, doors and windows had long since fallen to ruin before I even reached you.

    Without your knowing

    Yet the whole universe had long gone into mourning, while my supplications had somehow mingled with the clouds, weeping all along.

    Without my knowing

    written by Aşur Horoz

  • As if something else

    As if something else

    Not in Sartre’s existence,

    Not in Nietzsche’s nothingness,

    Not in the indescribable dreams through Freud’s lens,

    Not in Rumi’s azure serenity,

    Not in Kundera’s unbearable lightness,

    Not in the mythalogical trial of the Odyssey cast by Homer,

    Not even in the lexicon of artificial intelligence,

    Yet a bit in Omar Khayyam’s black-grape drunkness,

    Playing alone at the edge of a bottomless abyss,

    In the blinking of ancient genes waiting for millions of years for their moment,

    Like a weary earthly courier wandering through the wormholes of a dark star,

    In an indescribable uncertainty, at the yet unnamed birth of a waiting synthesis.

    written by Aşur Horoz

  • A Creature

    A Creature

    In my dream, I saw a creature resembling a child. Its nose was the ugliest I had ever seen, its mouth was far too large for its face, its teeth were disproportionate, and it seemed to have no neck. It was as if its short height had eradicated its neck just to bear its colossal head. It evoked the feeling of someone striving to beautify themselves, yet unable to conceal their ugliness no matter what they did. It was too ugly even for a world where beauty held no importance.

    I am always running away from things in my dreams. This time, I wanted to flee in the truest sense of the word. It told me it wanted to marry me. Why? I felt as though I had made it believe so… I didn’t want all the lies I had told to be exposed. Had I been lying constantly? Why did I think this way? I felt as if my whole life had been spent trying to convince it.

    Human beings crave attention. Why is it so important that someone chases after us? With so many people around with inflated egos… why did I feel as if I were going to become one of them? After all the things it had written to me. Why didn’t I tell it? I didn’t want my children to look like it. It was too ugly for me. I am disgusted with myself. Where did such thoughts even come from? Perhaps, for the first time, I felt honest. It was as if that creature was the very embodiment of all the lies within my mind.

    I woke up. To continue living with the relief of having rid myself of it. But I am always dreaming of it. How could I have told so many lies? Why did I string it along for a bit of attention, when I could have always told the truth? A human being is sometimes immoral. And I am one of them. For embracing the monster inside me with my lies. For turning my God into a creature.

  • What is it to love

    What is it to love

    Is it your mothball-scented gaze,
    burdened with the weight of years?

    Is it the reckless touch of your hands,
    daring to face crucifixion?

    Is it the dance upon the shuddering skin,
    of a delicate frequency flowing from your inner depths?

    Or, is it to deny the entire universe,
    and become imprisoned in an unlockable drunkness of the mind?

    Is it to melt away from within,
    behind unbidden, ill-fitting masks?

    Is it to unleash your most ineffable screams of “enough,”
    and retreat into your own obscurity?

    Is it to exist with your true essence, if only briefly,
    in a weary yet tranquil nothingness,
    within the drunkness of a bottomless well?

    Is it to cry out to the whole world,
    spilling onto a poem or a canvas?

    Is it to still endure among those who say “in vain, all in vain,”
    and to scatter endlessly, even if reduced to ash?

    Is it to cling, involuntarily, to undeserving flesh?

    With every touch,
    with every inhalation of a scent,
    is it to search for age zero?

    And when your existence departs into desolation one day,
    is it the breath of the pavements you left behind in trust?

    Written by Aşur Horoz